We Get What We Give

Dear Diary,

Last week’s culture and diversity class was a tough one. We did another simulation game and I found myself thinking a lot about my past as well as content from previous weeks. Here is how the simulation went down. We were all introduced to a table of prizes that we could win. The professor spent a lot of time glorifying the prizes so that everyone in the room could at least find something that would spark their interest. Since I was moving soon nothing at the table interested me, it would have been just another thing to pack, and yet I felt the impact of the simulation. We were all then given a brown paper bag with a certain amount of candies inside. The catch to winning a prize was that you had to find four of the same candies. So there people went running around to find individuals with candies they needed to complete their four. Soon though, it became very apparent that not everyone in the room was given the same advantage as others. Some students had only three candies, and so could not barter for four; they would have to hope for the generosity of another student if they wanted to win. Some students had no candy in their bag at all, and gave up or held out hope someone would give them a few to get going. In my bag were four candies of all different colours, so my start was a little tough but a least I had something to go on. However this simulation taught me something about myself I feel I will have to keep in consideration as a youth worker. One student came by my desk and asked if they could have one of my candies, it was the colour she needed you see.

Without even thinking I said yes and gave her the candy. In my rush to please her I forgot to ask for a candy in return and effectively took myself out of the game. When I realized what I had done I knew winning a prize was beyond me. When another student who had two of the same candies as me came along I gave her my two matching so she could win a prize. I decided if I could not win at least she could. I have been told many times by friends and family that I am a people pleaser and that it would land me in trouble one day. And while I don’t think my family imagined this scenario exactly I see now what they meant. As a worker I can’t give so much away that I myself suffer, I need to make sure my own needs are met if I am to be effectively supportive to my clients.

At one point during the simulation a student finally got her four candies of the same colour and went to the table for a prize only to discover she had gotten their too late as the last prize was taken by another student. Playfully dejected the student looked to the professor where in by she responded by informing her she had not worked hard enough to get a prize.

The student knew it was a simulation but I think in that moment she went from being playfully dejected to truly dejected! After all she had worked hard to get her candies she had just been a few minutes too late, something out of her control. When we came together as a class she debriefed with that student and the rest of the class about the point of the simulation. Explaining that some people in life are given many privileges right off the get go, and therefore end up having an easier time being successful. While others can work as hard as they want, getting a head isn’t always a possibility. And yet even though society knows this to be true we still tell people, “maybe you should have worked harder…”.

As a kid I was raised off that principle, your self worth was in direct proportion to how hard you worked. In my family hard work was valued greatly because it was a sign of station and pride. You could have anything in life you wanted as long as you worked hard enough. If you didn’t have what you wanted or needed, you weren’t working hard enough. I don’t begrudge my family too much for having this mantra. They grew up dirt poor as they say, so the amenities they have now they feel truly proud to have. They come from the wounded mindset that; “If I could do it then you can do it.” And “If you work hard you get what you deserve.”  In my family this principle crushed me as a young girl. I left home when I was 17 and I worked really hard, but I didn’t get ahead. No one wanted to hire a girl so young and inexperienced. And every time I failed I always blamed myself for having done something wrong because of this family principle.

Even now I go without, and I’m working harder than I have ever worked to keep my head above water. The difference now between the 17 year old me and the me today is a paradigm shift with my perspective. Hard work does not have to equate to the amount of dollars one makes. Sometimes it can be in the resilience one has when life gives them only three candies but they still find it in themselves to continue to give.